You are beautiful as you are

Life has been pretty smooth recently. It's been so long since I stepped in here.

3 months after lessons ceased, I only started writing my resume last week and applied for a job. I got my first application and interview done last week and signed contract yesterday. I guess I'm quite blessed because everything seems very smooth and planned. I am really thankful with what I have right now and the people around me who never stop supporting and motivating me. I will be starting my training class in 3 weeks time, provided my pass will be approved at the mean time as well.

Can't wait to start work, meet new friends and learn new things! EGGCITED.

I am sure there will be small humps along the road, but I am always ready with my vehicle to drive over the imperfect humps.

Be grateful in life, people.

Momentary

Brunei was definitely fun. Although it was short 3 weeks only, I have to admit it was fruitful and interesting. During this trip, I realized the importance of having friends around and not to forget, family too. No matter what happen, you must not neglect your friends and family because they will always be there for you under any circumstances.

Everything is so vague right now and I dare not to make any moves. I am currently doing nothing here, just hoping for the good news after the submissions. It is so hard to rest my mind it keeps running non stop fretting about future. What can you do when you only have this much? Not much. I can only make full use of what I am left with. What to do? Life is tough.

Anyway, while waiting for everything, I think I should really relax first. There's no point rushing everything when you are not given with good options nor make right decision, right?

Alright, gotta head down to cinema for a movie now. xoxo!

I am awesome

This truly is inspiring.

How to be alone - Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

It's just like a tree with plentiful of apples

Love these?
Check them out here: Soul and Eu Amo Vintage in Facebook.


I had two productive days on Thursday and Friday. I've had one of my wisdom teeth pulled and it was not bad after all. I thought it would be as bad as those situations mentioned in the forums. The wait took 3 hours in total and all the cleaning, explanations and extraction of wisdom tooth took half an hour. Registration fee and extraction cost $3 only! It was a three-legged tooth it's so awesome! I was told to go back on Monday to extract another one again. I coloured and had a hair cut at the salon and not forgetting painted my nails in the afternoon. Everything was done for $80. Things are really cheap back here. One of the things I love about Brunei. During the night, I went to watch movie with friends and catch up with them. Everything was done in a day, I feel so productive! Stayed over at Jane's and we had 2 photoshoot sessions the next day. 

I love everything, except for the sun burns. My shoulders are badly hurt and they feel hot. Right shoulder is redder than the left one, uneven skin tones. However, all of these are worth doing it. I never realized I wasn't that dark as I thought until yesterday.

At least I had good times in Brunei this year.
Love it. :)

There are more to this

I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE NOT WATCHED BURLESQUE, LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS AND BLACK SWAN!

Hey mister!

 

SO CUTE. How can you not love this kid?

I made him buy me this toy flower during valentine's day. Didn't want real roses because toy flower is able to last forever, rather than wilt and die.

He might not be the most romantic guy in the world, but he is the most loving, generous, honest and logical person I have ever met. 

:)

A reminder to you, and myself

Don't be sad if that person doesn't initiate to call or text you so often like how he always does last time; Because he might be busy with his important stuffs. Be understanding and you will come to realize that everyone has their own priorities and they've gotta do what they have to do. And fret not, he might be thinking of you all the time you might not know.

Don't be disappointed when you don't hear any sweet or caring words from that person as before; You would rather hear it once in a while where he really means it and comes from heart than hearing it everyday that becomes a norm, and then numb.

Don't give up if that person doesn't contact you for few days too because like I said, priorities. He might be thinking of you and flashing back all the memories every hour to a point that he thinks he's talking and spending time with you every minute, mentally. Be understanding, generous and forgive him for his forgetfulness, carelessness, being insensitive and care-free. Let that person be himself once in a while, without having any obligations to meet your harsh expectations all the time.


L E T   L O O S E .


This sounds quite optimistic and I would like to stick to that mindset right now. Not being in denial, brainwash myself but to be matured and a better person.  Of course, to maintain a better relationship as well.

I know harsh reality and ridiculous me will kick in anytime soon but for god's sake I need to be as logical as possible. As much as I want to rant and vent, I have to be cool.



Happy holiday everyone!

Don't ever look back

Changed my blog layout few hours ago. Take note that there is no tagboard at the side anymore as there were a lot of unknown spammers leaving random messages and trying to advertise their sites. It annoys me, very much. Any words for me? Just drop it at the comment section after every post. Thank you. (:

I guess I will blog more often nowadays, obviously I've nothing much to do in Brunei. Yay? Just FYI, I'm quite active in twitter and I update almost everyday. If you're a stalker of mine, you know where to find me, @SusanLiew!

 

 

 

 

 

I really love this app from iPhone, it's called LomoLomo! It gives photos more effects and they are really gorgeous!

What's new?

 
   
   
   
I'm back in Brunei, most probably settling for a month only. I'm so used to Singapore that I need some time to get used to my own house here. Things changed a little and I get confused with itty-bitty stuffs around the house. I didn't know where to turn on my shower and I forgot the switch to own my light. Most of all I don't even have my own room anymore because my new maid is sleeping on my bed and the whole room is practically like hers. Feel much foreign in this house right now. My dad has been rearing chickens and the compound really looks very much like a kampung now, not to mention the smell as well! I think I've transformed to a city girl and I find all these are kinda eeky to me. 

This is only the first day and I'm looking forward to spend my days in the kingdom of unexpected boredom, Brunei. 

I miss the people in Singapore now, especially dou dou! 
 

Rainbows after rain

Regrets:
1) I got A for my first test in one of my modules. Then I got C+ for the second test. Major jump. I regretted for not taking leave of absence (LOA) that day so that I don't have to take the test hence it won't affect and pull my previous grade down. I should have listened to my friend. Cheat way but at least I could maintain my grade.

2) I was falling asleep in one of the tests and didn't really manage to finish the paper due to lack of time.

3) I had one of my papers left with 10 marks empty. Insufficient time, again.  

4) FYP. Our team didn't meet the user requirement of the project thus ended up with bullets and knives from the evaluators. 


I was very upset and disappointed in myself. Why are all these happening on me at this time? This is my last lap of poly, last chance to boost my GPA and I just had to screw things up. I blamed things for being such a bitch and not on my side. I blamed the papers and people for not beautifying everything that I am doing right now. I blamed for hindering me to meet my expectations. If there's expectation, there's disappointment, then regrets come after that. It's funny how expectations can affect oneself when you are the one who created it. When there are faults, we tend to blame others for causing this or that consequences, bombard them as if they deserve all the guilt. However after all the failures and reflections that I've done for the past few days, I realised that I should not to blame others but myself. I think I'm quite good at handling that right now. I've learned how to correct myself and think through every single process from the beginning when things go haywire.  

Corrections: 1) If I take LOA, I could have give that test a pass and maintain my grade. I shouldn't be so lazy to visit doctor and get mc, just for the sake of the grade. And although I didn't take LOA, I should have studied hard enough to answer the paper. Lack of knowledge.  

2) If I get enough sleep before the test, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO COMPLETE THE TEST. 

3) If I really know how to answer my paper, i could have done it fast and not to spend so much time on each question figuring how to solve it. Again, lack of knowledge.  

4) Teammate was stubborn. If I was stubborn enough to stop my teammate from developing further than required earlier ago, I guess we should be able to block the bullets and knives. We're asked to develop 2D games, and we added 3D games extra. Act smart. LOL. Now I know why is too much of GOOD is not good.
 
Oh well, what's done is done. No point mourning and keep harping about it. At least I've learned and acknowledge my mistakes. It's all the learning experience that counts isn't. Fuck the grades okay haha! I'll grow from it and fret not, I grew as a person! And I'm looking at the silver linings in everything right now! How great. :D FYP is over and I'm left with the final exams. I'm very determined to study hard for the last one right now. 

Wish me luck!

De novo

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I bet many of you are quite optimistic in inviting this wonderful new year right now, setting resolutions, goals and whatnot! Year 2010 has gone by and we can finally change our scribbled calendar or organizer at last! Somehow seeing brand new calendar waiting for me to fill up events, plans and schedules, that just made me feel fresh and cheery. Unpleasant events and regretful memories will be removed and here we are anticipating good things to happen on us, hopefully no disappointments and mistakes as much as possible. Anyway, I am not going to recall what I've done last year because what done is done, and do not wish to bring back any bad memories too. Mainly it's because I can't really remember what had happened actually. Short term memory, you know. excuse. (:  

To be honest, I am kind of dreading this year to arrive. Just so you know, I will be finishing poly in 2 months time and graduating on early May. What's next? Don't ask me that question because I'm not quite sure about it yet as well. Now I understand why people always wish to go back to kindergarten time when you are still under sheltered by parents. Just realized that this time I'm really on my own now. I think I'm not ready yet. Anyway, I'll just go with the flow. And if you happen to not have my account in fb, this is how I look like now. Hair still growing, fats still adding on and not to forget those zits too! :D 

 

Toodles! Love.

She, my heart.

Few days ago, I told my brother to inform my mom to look out for Singapore registered companies in Brunei. Just one sentences, and she replied this: 

Dear Xian

I am sad. wondering why you are tired of living in Spore ? Any thing make you so up sad ? Your study ? Dom ?

Or you worried cant find a job there after school ?

Mama understand how you feel staying alone far away from home. Please take it easy, if there is a will, there is

a way. Mama believed you can cope every thing, over come when problem facing you. Please don't give pressure to yourself.

Yes, how i wish you can come back to Brunei to work if you can. That is what every parents wish their children can stay together, share the love, happiness. I can't ask too much from my children, I would be glad if two of you have a bright future any where any place, where you can have a better life, right.

Dear Xian, do not worry about papa, how how and me, we are doing well here. I will try my very very best to share all my love, whatever i can either to you or t t. Talk to me if you have any personal problem, mama is willing to hear from you.

Any way, i will start to pay attention for those Spore's Company here or ask people around for the job.

T T called me saying that he is going to Spore on 21/12. please ask $500 from him. Will bank in to your a/c next month.

Christmas is around the corner, how are you going to spent it ?

Good night, have a good sleep

Love always from mama

And following is what I replied her: 

Hi Mama, I'm so glad and appreciate that you're so understanding and there's no words I could use to describe my feelings right now. You're so generous and positive, how could I learn this from you? You take things and life easily although you had a lot of hiccups in life and yet, you're happy-go-lucky still! You have plentiful of love that never fails to give everyone, especially your children. You always cheer me up whenever I have or don't have problems. You don't question me much and never fail to let me have my own way of life. As a daughter, what else can I ask for more? I thought you would be happy if I were to go back to Brunei in future. I was quite surprised that you were sad as mentioned in the previous email. Well, I'm not quite sure as well. I guess Life just tires me up. Maybe I'm just not ready to face the future yet? I don't know. Perhaps I just want to be forever in your arm like a small little girl. :) No worries for what's going to be tomorrow, no worries for what will come to you next because you know someone out there will always going to shelter and protect you. Maybe I just miss that feeling again, feeling of being like a princess. haha! I know I am not supposed to do and behave like that at this age anymore. I've got to fight for myself, find my own life and not to depend on anyone. Nevertheless, I can't help but to feel this way. Anyway, I am not sure with everything yet. About the job hunting in Brunei, I just want to know what are the companies down there so that I can at least plan or visualize where should I place myself at next time. Thank you mom! I love you. Thanks for taking my shits all the time and still taking in right now as always. I know you love my shits as well! hehehehhehe! muahhhhhhhhh! Love, Your princess.

How understanding and lovely can she be? I am so proud to have her! (:

Going back

 
   
   
   
   
   
   
 
 

What do you do when you miss home? When you miss your past? I look through my photos again and again just to reminiscing them. I dearly miss Brunei a lot, a lot. Although shopping malls and crowds are not as exaggerating as Singapore, although the country is not as efficient as Singapore, not much of entertainment that can drives you crazy all day night long, Somehow, there is this unseen force makes me want to stay there. I guess it's my family, the environment and the pace there. So what if it is slow and boring? That could be your own definition. I would rather have a stress-free mind and my own pace to do what I want. I don't mind going back after graduation, even if it means settling down there. I'm serious. I'm tired.

Which direction?

To wait for changes to be better? Or to get something that is already good? Both are tough.

Reaching soon

3 more weeks to 2011 and whatever happened in 2010 have not really register in my brain yet. Time certainly jet by real fast! Christmas is around the corner. Town and shopping malls are lightened up with breathtaking lights and decorations. The only thing missing now is snow. I truly want to experience snow at least once in my life time. I love cold weather and would wish to play snow during winter. Somehow I think that Christmas is like an international festival for everyone and every race in the world. People really take Christmas seriously by putting up decorations everywhere. Be it any races, everyone is looking forward to Christmas. Hmmm. I thought it is a big thing for Christians only?

On the other hand, I am not enjoying this December though. Lessons are still going on till 17th and finally I've got 2 weeks holidays till 2rd Jan. 2 weeks is never enough for me, for everyone. Great, I've got FYP to complete too and I am still stuck! Sometimes I really wonder why did I even choose this course without fully understand what I am going to do throughout the 3 years. Sigh. Stress level maxxx! I really have no idea on my FYP. 

Oh, Dom and I have made an unbreakable vow yesterday; which we must run every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday for healthy purpose. As I mentioned before, I want to tone up, and achieve at least 52kg ! We're aiming to get rid of the muffin top!

I always thought Harry Potter was a boring story and movie. Few weeks ago, I went to watch Harry Potter's 7th movie, which is my first HP movie. Then Dom made me watched from the 1st till the latest one again. Now I understand why people are so crazy about HP. DUMBLEDORE DIED! :( Anyway I love the Weasley twins. They are so cute and handsome!

Alright, that's all for now. Wordy post I know. Class ended. Gotta run!

Won't do the same

Grenade, this song keeps running in my brain, before sleep and awake. I could listen to it whole day night long. I love how Bruno Mars presented the lyrics as if you could really relate them to yourself. I have been very persistent to go for jogs since last month but apparently I have not done once yet. It's either I have plans last minute or the weather is not doing me any justice. I got myself 2 shorts from Cotton On for runs two days ago. That is how badly I wanted to run/jog. Anyway, I am really going to run this evening. Well I just want to keep fit and tone up? Nothing's wrong with it because I realized I've been eating unhealthily everyday. Chillies, fried, meat, oily, fats and very little of veggies. I hate to see myself having lumps around my waist, even if it is just a small tyre. It's just unglam to me haha! Call me vain because I'm that conscious about myself. Especially looking at my fishball face on TEENAGE magazine! I wonder if it's the cameraman's fault or it's just me. By the way, catch me on TEENAGE magazine December's issue regarding Republic Poly! 

I think my dad's DNA is coming back in my body again. All the tempers, impatient and anal attitude and mindset, it's like 24 hours actively active! I get anal easily nowadays and I'm pretty sure it's not PMS's fault. Even if it's just a small thing being cocked up, it's a doomed day to me. I get very sensitive towards everything and feel disgusted by almost everything anytime any day with anyone. Miserable. 

I tend to see people's hidden agenda in everything they do and tell myself that they want something from you, not for good definitely. I'm not trying to be judgmental but I could foresee the fact! It's so obvious that I don't understand why some people just can't see it. Sometimes I think I don't really want peace because it's boring and have the intention to make some wars. It's like a love-hate thing. Something is wrong with me terribly. I think I have devil inside me. I think I need to start going to church. Bye.

Life, as it is.

Life is really amazing be it good or bad, it totally amazes me all the time. 

Well at least to me. It's so amazing that someone can never fails ruining your day, your mood, brain, heart and plans when they belong to you. So vulnerable; so weak. At times we cannot control ourselves to do what we want to do and often influenced or affected by others, but at the same time, you yourself know that it's your own life. Life, paradox. 

So much to say so much to express too overwhelmed. I don't really know how to rephrase them into words. If I could, I would like to show y'all my heart and try to understand every single thing of me. I don't really wish to harp or repeat it again, because that will make me feel as if it just happened yesterday only. Forget is what I want right now. To sum up, what's right and what's wrong, I don't know anymore. Even though I know it's right to do this for the sake of myself, I will still consider the 'wrong' part and try whether it can be fixed again or not. But what's next? I lose myself. Where's my stand? What's my stand? I really don't know. 

I guess I'm having internal conflict within myself right now. Sounds pathetic, but that's true. I've decided not to hope for anything anymore. Not even expectations or happiness. Let it be, let it flow. Efforts? I guess not, I'm tired. That will then makes everyone happy, to do what they want to do. Hope for the best and everything will be fine and back to normal. Time will tell.

200 pounds beauty is me!

I believe you've seen this before in my facebook recently. I don't know why am I so proud of this photo. LOL. But if I have a chance to become like this, I don't think i would want to become one? OBVIOUSLY! Anyway, it was a joke of the day. Instead of being glam, prim and proper all the time, I shall let loose and have some fun. Life would be pretty easy and cheerful isn't? And I love to see people's reactions, either they are being confused whether it's real me or not, or their laughters and comments. Because those actually cheer me up! PS: If there's any guy who's willing to marry me even if I'm under this condition, I'll marry him too! HAHAHA!

I MUST!

3rd year 2nd semester officially starts today and this will be my last semester in RP! I'm already feeling bored before the lesson starts, tell me how to chiong and get A everyday? It's just so hard to be consistent! BUCK UP BUCK UP BUCK UP for a better GPA!

Cock up brainies

I'm sorry that I'm not a frequent blogger and that I always leave my blog dead. A lot of times I have things to share, but when I can blog, it's either I'm too lazy or suddenly blank. Anyway, Kuching trip was awesomely fun! I love the food there ttm and was very happy to meet my relatives after so long! Can't really believe September jet by that fast and it's October now. 

School's opening in a week and I'm not quite ready yet. Oh, I'm performing for Reflections- Muse, modern dance item end of this month. It was kinda last minute for me to join back because I didn't know my instructor actually blocked me into the dance already. Therefore I have to get back and catch up with the rest since performance is within a month! My muscles became weak and stamina deteriorated already after stopped dancing for about 4 months. I was quite surprised that everyone improved and yet I'm still at the same spot. Oh well. 

Results for previous semester is out. Yes, I didn't maintain, for the first time. Now I've really gotta buck up for the last semester and achieve at least GPA 3.8 or above to pull up my overall GPA, irregardless whether I'm going Uni or not. I must.
 
On the other hand, just a random thought down here; I can never see myself settling down with another person ever, be it now or in future. Because I can never trust anyone 100 percent fully at all. One thing about me: I always want to stay within my comfort zone, so whenever I have difficulties or obstacles, I will always want to run back to my comfort zone. Imagine if I were to fight or quarrel with my husband next time, I will definitely want to go back to my own home, to where my mom is. Yes believe me I will do that, no matter how old I am. Even now, everytime I quarrel with him, I will always want to go back to my place and just forget about it, about everything. I'm not a risk-taker person. I would rather be safe than taking any risk, or should I say, I would rather have nothing, than having something that hurts me or give me hell. Fuck you if you dis me, cuz that's just me. (: I won't say you're so ugly cuz your parents are ugly, cuz that's just you. So yea. Leave me alone. (: Maybe I really won't want to settle down, who knows right. I like it this way, do whatever I want and leave whenever I want to. Cuz there's no obligation, no commitment.