She, my heart.

Few days ago, I told my brother to inform my mom to look out for Singapore registered companies in Brunei. Just one sentences, and she replied this: 

Dear Xian

I am sad. wondering why you are tired of living in Spore ? Any thing make you so up sad ? Your study ? Dom ?

Or you worried cant find a job there after school ?

Mama understand how you feel staying alone far away from home. Please take it easy, if there is a will, there is

a way. Mama believed you can cope every thing, over come when problem facing you. Please don't give pressure to yourself.

Yes, how i wish you can come back to Brunei to work if you can. That is what every parents wish their children can stay together, share the love, happiness. I can't ask too much from my children, I would be glad if two of you have a bright future any where any place, where you can have a better life, right.

Dear Xian, do not worry about papa, how how and me, we are doing well here. I will try my very very best to share all my love, whatever i can either to you or t t. Talk to me if you have any personal problem, mama is willing to hear from you.

Any way, i will start to pay attention for those Spore's Company here or ask people around for the job.

T T called me saying that he is going to Spore on 21/12. please ask $500 from him. Will bank in to your a/c next month.

Christmas is around the corner, how are you going to spent it ?

Good night, have a good sleep

Love always from mama

And following is what I replied her: 

Hi Mama, I'm so glad and appreciate that you're so understanding and there's no words I could use to describe my feelings right now. You're so generous and positive, how could I learn this from you? You take things and life easily although you had a lot of hiccups in life and yet, you're happy-go-lucky still! You have plentiful of love that never fails to give everyone, especially your children. You always cheer me up whenever I have or don't have problems. You don't question me much and never fail to let me have my own way of life. As a daughter, what else can I ask for more? I thought you would be happy if I were to go back to Brunei in future. I was quite surprised that you were sad as mentioned in the previous email. Well, I'm not quite sure as well. I guess Life just tires me up. Maybe I'm just not ready to face the future yet? I don't know. Perhaps I just want to be forever in your arm like a small little girl. :) No worries for what's going to be tomorrow, no worries for what will come to you next because you know someone out there will always going to shelter and protect you. Maybe I just miss that feeling again, feeling of being like a princess. haha! I know I am not supposed to do and behave like that at this age anymore. I've got to fight for myself, find my own life and not to depend on anyone. Nevertheless, I can't help but to feel this way. Anyway, I am not sure with everything yet. About the job hunting in Brunei, I just want to know what are the companies down there so that I can at least plan or visualize where should I place myself at next time. Thank you mom! I love you. Thanks for taking my shits all the time and still taking in right now as always. I know you love my shits as well! hehehehhehe! muahhhhhhhhh! Love, Your princess.

How understanding and lovely can she be? I am so proud to have her! (:

Going back

 
   
   
   
   
   
   
 
 

What do you do when you miss home? When you miss your past? I look through my photos again and again just to reminiscing them. I dearly miss Brunei a lot, a lot. Although shopping malls and crowds are not as exaggerating as Singapore, although the country is not as efficient as Singapore, not much of entertainment that can drives you crazy all day night long, Somehow, there is this unseen force makes me want to stay there. I guess it's my family, the environment and the pace there. So what if it is slow and boring? That could be your own definition. I would rather have a stress-free mind and my own pace to do what I want. I don't mind going back after graduation, even if it means settling down there. I'm serious. I'm tired.

Which direction?

To wait for changes to be better? Or to get something that is already good? Both are tough.

Reaching soon

3 more weeks to 2011 and whatever happened in 2010 have not really register in my brain yet. Time certainly jet by real fast! Christmas is around the corner. Town and shopping malls are lightened up with breathtaking lights and decorations. The only thing missing now is snow. I truly want to experience snow at least once in my life time. I love cold weather and would wish to play snow during winter. Somehow I think that Christmas is like an international festival for everyone and every race in the world. People really take Christmas seriously by putting up decorations everywhere. Be it any races, everyone is looking forward to Christmas. Hmmm. I thought it is a big thing for Christians only?

On the other hand, I am not enjoying this December though. Lessons are still going on till 17th and finally I've got 2 weeks holidays till 2rd Jan. 2 weeks is never enough for me, for everyone. Great, I've got FYP to complete too and I am still stuck! Sometimes I really wonder why did I even choose this course without fully understand what I am going to do throughout the 3 years. Sigh. Stress level maxxx! I really have no idea on my FYP. 

Oh, Dom and I have made an unbreakable vow yesterday; which we must run every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday for healthy purpose. As I mentioned before, I want to tone up, and achieve at least 52kg ! We're aiming to get rid of the muffin top!

I always thought Harry Potter was a boring story and movie. Few weeks ago, I went to watch Harry Potter's 7th movie, which is my first HP movie. Then Dom made me watched from the 1st till the latest one again. Now I understand why people are so crazy about HP. DUMBLEDORE DIED! :( Anyway I love the Weasley twins. They are so cute and handsome!

Alright, that's all for now. Wordy post I know. Class ended. Gotta run!

Won't do the same

Grenade, this song keeps running in my brain, before sleep and awake. I could listen to it whole day night long. I love how Bruno Mars presented the lyrics as if you could really relate them to yourself. I have been very persistent to go for jogs since last month but apparently I have not done once yet. It's either I have plans last minute or the weather is not doing me any justice. I got myself 2 shorts from Cotton On for runs two days ago. That is how badly I wanted to run/jog. Anyway, I am really going to run this evening. Well I just want to keep fit and tone up? Nothing's wrong with it because I realized I've been eating unhealthily everyday. Chillies, fried, meat, oily, fats and very little of veggies. I hate to see myself having lumps around my waist, even if it is just a small tyre. It's just unglam to me haha! Call me vain because I'm that conscious about myself. Especially looking at my fishball face on TEENAGE magazine! I wonder if it's the cameraman's fault or it's just me. By the way, catch me on TEENAGE magazine December's issue regarding Republic Poly! 

I think my dad's DNA is coming back in my body again. All the tempers, impatient and anal attitude and mindset, it's like 24 hours actively active! I get anal easily nowadays and I'm pretty sure it's not PMS's fault. Even if it's just a small thing being cocked up, it's a doomed day to me. I get very sensitive towards everything and feel disgusted by almost everything anytime any day with anyone. Miserable. 

I tend to see people's hidden agenda in everything they do and tell myself that they want something from you, not for good definitely. I'm not trying to be judgmental but I could foresee the fact! It's so obvious that I don't understand why some people just can't see it. Sometimes I think I don't really want peace because it's boring and have the intention to make some wars. It's like a love-hate thing. Something is wrong with me terribly. I think I have devil inside me. I think I need to start going to church. Bye.

Life, as it is.

Life is really amazing be it good or bad, it totally amazes me all the time. 

Well at least to me. It's so amazing that someone can never fails ruining your day, your mood, brain, heart and plans when they belong to you. So vulnerable; so weak. At times we cannot control ourselves to do what we want to do and often influenced or affected by others, but at the same time, you yourself know that it's your own life. Life, paradox. 

So much to say so much to express too overwhelmed. I don't really know how to rephrase them into words. If I could, I would like to show y'all my heart and try to understand every single thing of me. I don't really wish to harp or repeat it again, because that will make me feel as if it just happened yesterday only. Forget is what I want right now. To sum up, what's right and what's wrong, I don't know anymore. Even though I know it's right to do this for the sake of myself, I will still consider the 'wrong' part and try whether it can be fixed again or not. But what's next? I lose myself. Where's my stand? What's my stand? I really don't know. 

I guess I'm having internal conflict within myself right now. Sounds pathetic, but that's true. I've decided not to hope for anything anymore. Not even expectations or happiness. Let it be, let it flow. Efforts? I guess not, I'm tired. That will then makes everyone happy, to do what they want to do. Hope for the best and everything will be fine and back to normal. Time will tell.

200 pounds beauty is me!

I believe you've seen this before in my facebook recently. I don't know why am I so proud of this photo. LOL. But if I have a chance to become like this, I don't think i would want to become one? OBVIOUSLY! Anyway, it was a joke of the day. Instead of being glam, prim and proper all the time, I shall let loose and have some fun. Life would be pretty easy and cheerful isn't? And I love to see people's reactions, either they are being confused whether it's real me or not, or their laughters and comments. Because those actually cheer me up! PS: If there's any guy who's willing to marry me even if I'm under this condition, I'll marry him too! HAHAHA!

I MUST!

3rd year 2nd semester officially starts today and this will be my last semester in RP! I'm already feeling bored before the lesson starts, tell me how to chiong and get A everyday? It's just so hard to be consistent! BUCK UP BUCK UP BUCK UP for a better GPA!

Cock up brainies

I'm sorry that I'm not a frequent blogger and that I always leave my blog dead. A lot of times I have things to share, but when I can blog, it's either I'm too lazy or suddenly blank. Anyway, Kuching trip was awesomely fun! I love the food there ttm and was very happy to meet my relatives after so long! Can't really believe September jet by that fast and it's October now. 

School's opening in a week and I'm not quite ready yet. Oh, I'm performing for Reflections- Muse, modern dance item end of this month. It was kinda last minute for me to join back because I didn't know my instructor actually blocked me into the dance already. Therefore I have to get back and catch up with the rest since performance is within a month! My muscles became weak and stamina deteriorated already after stopped dancing for about 4 months. I was quite surprised that everyone improved and yet I'm still at the same spot. Oh well. 

Results for previous semester is out. Yes, I didn't maintain, for the first time. Now I've really gotta buck up for the last semester and achieve at least GPA 3.8 or above to pull up my overall GPA, irregardless whether I'm going Uni or not. I must.
 
On the other hand, just a random thought down here; I can never see myself settling down with another person ever, be it now or in future. Because I can never trust anyone 100 percent fully at all. One thing about me: I always want to stay within my comfort zone, so whenever I have difficulties or obstacles, I will always want to run back to my comfort zone. Imagine if I were to fight or quarrel with my husband next time, I will definitely want to go back to my own home, to where my mom is. Yes believe me I will do that, no matter how old I am. Even now, everytime I quarrel with him, I will always want to go back to my place and just forget about it, about everything. I'm not a risk-taker person. I would rather be safe than taking any risk, or should I say, I would rather have nothing, than having something that hurts me or give me hell. Fuck you if you dis me, cuz that's just me. (: I won't say you're so ugly cuz your parents are ugly, cuz that's just you. So yea. Leave me alone. (: Maybe I really won't want to settle down, who knows right. I like it this way, do whatever I want and leave whenever I want to. Cuz there's no obligation, no commitment.

September's here!

September is a hectic month I would say. The first two weeks have already suffocated me as if there's no more oxygen left! I was working in COMEX IT Fair from 2nd to 5th September selling Fujitsu laptops. The crowd was really crazy during the fair. However not MANY people are buying our laptops as you know, it's a little pricey due to the quality, durability and its brand. Anyway I gained a manly voice from the fair and was kinda sick too. I realized that I hate crowd. I get impatient when people are so ignorant and noisy. Well that's the whole idea of the fair. I had to repeat, introduce and convince customers about the products and get them to buy as well. And I realized I don't quite like doing sales because I hate begging people. haha! But there's one thing I love the most is getting to know new people around and make friends. It's so fun to know others, observe and talk to them. Especially the place I worked during the fair, there are different types and levels of people, be it age, network, career and education. I love to gain different kind of knowledge/information from them, to see how and what they are doing right now and compare with myself, to know what are the differences and similarities. From here, I can at least get some ideas and experience from them. On top of that, I will know whether I am lacking behind or doing the right thing or not. Surprisingly, I miss my colleagues,except for customer snatchers. LOL! They all are nice people and willing to help me whenever I need to. 

Anyway I sold 17 laptops in 3 and a half day; I went off early the last day, too tired and voiceless. Overall I at least earned 300+ bucks I think. Next, I'll be working in Food Fair @ Suntec City, again. This time round is for my part time job company Chocolato. Chiong-ing for money currently to cover up my expenses. Yes, overspent on ridiculous facial treatment. In between these, I'm having exams too, 3 more to go I hope I can juggle between both work and studies! After that, a week trip back to Kuching! I love how September overloads me! (:
 
Talking about this month, I totally have no idea on how to celebrate my birthday. I have a group of friends here and there, they are all over the place and I really don't know how to decide! My class is having a chalet from 22nd to 24th and they want me to go over. I have a group of friends here in hostel and according to our tradition, we usually celebrate together unless we're in overseas. And, Dom and his friends as well. HOW AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I think the best way is to NOT celebrate at all, or i'll just celebrate alone. hmm. HAHA! IDK! Alright, shall blog again when I feel like.

 

Taken from Denise's blog. 27.08.10 Happy belated 2nd anniversary D!